By Katie & Gay Hendricks
Did you know that blaming your partner can actually become an addiction?
It’s a habit you and your partner can get hooked on, and one that slowly drains the vital energy from your relationship.
That’s why we call blame “the cocaine of relationships.” It may even be more dangerous, because we often don’t know we are doing it, and we definitely don’t realize how bad it is for our bodies and souls.
It works even faster than cocaine – creating an instant jolt in our bodies that is “covering up” the real issues. It “feels good” in the moment, but its self-perpetuating cycle makes it impossible for intimacy and connection.
Here’s how it works:
When you engage in overeating, gambling, excessive spending, or any type of drug addiction, several things are at play:
First, the addiction serves as a distraction: you’re numbing out and not being present in the moment in an attempt to avoid facing the real underlying issue.
At the same time, you get a “rush” of adrenaline every time you engage in the addiction. The stress hormone adrenaline is secreted in your body when we feel strong emotions such as anger, triggering the “flight or fight response.” Your body is fired up, and that can feel good.
The problem with adrenaline is that it makes you feel alive… but only for a short while.
Once the feeling wears off, it’s back to being down again – face to face with the underlying demons. You need a fast and powerful “fix,” or the demons feel like they will eat you alive. So you engage in more addiction, creating a vicious cycle that ultimately results in more pain.
Blame takes on a very similar pattern in intimate relationships.
When you blame your partner, you temporarily take the focus off of yourself and throw it onto the other person. Instead of taking responsibility for your part in the situation, you create a distraction, and a very effective one. Blame is the ultimate cop-out.
Engaging in blame creates intense feelings, but not the good kind.
Just like a “traditional” addiction, the need for blame escalates and starts to overtake our thinking. But something else is also happening, and it’s a profound revelation.
Conflict creates a spike in adrenaline. Blame actually works faster than cocaine, because in less than a second, your body is infused from inside. When both partners engage in blame, it can serve as a substitute for whatever is lacking in the relationship – usually intimacy, sex, and connection.
Engaging in blame creates intense feelings, but not the good kind. Rather than coming together to solve a problem, you “point fingers” at each other and try to earn the position and rush of feeling of “being right.”
Your senses are all fired up – just as they are when you’re making love – but they are senses in opposition rather than harmony.
You’re trying to replace the joyful feelings of love, connection, and intimacy – with the destructive adrenaline of fighting, frustration, and pain.
Blame can be a difficult addiction to break, especially without the right roadmap.
It took us several years to figure out how to end blame and criticism in our relationship once and for all. Once we did, we were amazed by the profound amounts of positive energy and vitality that replaced it.
What couples don’t realize is that adrenaline, which drains and depletes you, is very different from the flow, or “harmonizing” hormones secreted when we are loving and feeling loved.
And these hormones… unlike adrenaline… can be renewed and built on, time and again!
Our work helps liberate these harmonizing hormones.
When we’ve taught these techniques to couples and they’ve gone just one full day without blame, they experienced huge shifts in their relationship.
We know it’s possible for you, too. We can’t wait to show you how: