Do you and your partner often argue about money?
If so, it’s no wonder. In close relationships, more people argue about money than about sex, parenting or household responsibilities.
You may feel that no matter how hard you try, you can’t get your partner to see things your way when it comes to money.
They accuse you of being a controlling tightwad, and you accuse them of being irresponsible – or the other way around. You can’t even seem to start a casual conversation about finances without it ending up in an ugly squabble. And if you’re not fighting about it, you’re ignoring it because you hate the tension money matters bring up.
If you can’t even discuss finances constructively, you’re not solving the problem. And if you’re not solving the problem, your situation is getting worse by the day. You may wonder if you’ll end up broke and alone.
If only your partner would listen to you when it comes to money.
If only you could get your head above water when it comes to your bills.
If only your partner understood the seriousness of the situation and would do something about it.
If only you or your partner could get a better paying job, get an inheritance or strike it rich with some business idea, all your money troubles would disappear… Right?
Unfortunately, throwing cash at these problems never works, because chronic money conflicts rarely have to do with how much (or how little) money you have in the bank.
Money conflicts have more to do with deep, underlying issues that affect how you manage money in your relationship, and who feels in control of the finances, not the actual numbers in your bank account. You may be surprised to know that…
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Maybe you’ve fantasized about getting an unexpected windfall so that all your money worries would be over.
After all, you are likely thinking, your money problems are due to the fact that you don’t have enough of it.
If you had enough money in the bank, you could cover your debt and expenses and everything would be calm and peaceful between you and your partner.
You’d be able to enjoy your relationship and your life without worrying about where the next paycheck is going and how you’re going to fund your retirement or save enough money to buy a house.
You’d be able to relax, have fun, go on vacations, replace that old stinky couch, and not be constantly bickering and miserable.
While it may seem logical that all the tension and fighting would end if you had more money, it doesn’t. You’ll still fight, the only thing that will change is WHAT aspect of the balance sheet you’ll be fighting about.
If you get that bonus or inherit some money, fights over debt become fights over spending too much, for the wrong things.
Disagreements on which bill to pay this month can become a disagreement on how much to save, where to invest, and who to trust with your money.
You see, it’s not really about the numbers adding up.
Your relationship struggles about money are more about who’s right, who’s wrong, and who’s the boss when it comes to your finances.
So, if you think that simply getting more money can solve your relationship problems, you’re going to be pretty disappointed to learn that whether or not you manage to grow your income, it will barely make a difference in how you’re relating to each other.
In fact, it may make things worse.
While you may think these strategies will solve your money problems and heal your relationship, they’re actually mistakes. They’re not addressing the heart of why you’re fighting in the first place. Instead of bringing you closer, these mistakes undermine your relationship even more.
In fact, they don’t just fail to fix your money woes, in our decades of experience counseling couples, these methods make you even more stressed and resentful!
Here are the three common mistakes and why and how they fail:
Have you ever thought, if only your partner wasn’t such a tightwad, or irresponsible with money, or a compulsive shopper, or a (fill-in-the-blank).
We get it. It’s easy to blame your partner for all your money problems. After all, you know how to manage money, and they are constantly resisting your logic.
The problem with blaming your partner is that they don’t think they’re in the wrong. They think their logic is correct, and you’re the one with the problem. This sort of argument can go round and round for months, even years, with no resolution in sight.
Meanwhile, underneath the surface of blame are deeper feelings and needs that drew you to them in the first place. Until you get to the bottom of that, you’ll continue to butt heads over money.
Because many people believe that all relationship money troubles are the result of too little money in (income) and too much money out (debt), it would seem reasonable to think that you can solve all your problems by simply sitting down with your partner to set a budget and sticking with it.
Easier said than done!
Have you ever noticed that even if you get a raise, or save money by eliminating a debt, you find yourself spending even MORE than ever? Maybe it’s some emergency repair that needs to be paid for, or now you’ve purchased something on credit you deemed “necessary” for your wellbeing. All that extra cash seems to quickly get reabsorbed and you’re right back where you started.
The reason budgeting often fails in the long run is because you and your partner’s money values haven’t changed. If you’re saving $500 a month by refinancing, do you and your partner agree what you’ll do with that money? You may think you need to make repairs around the house while your partner may feel like it’s time to take that much-needed vacation.
Even though you’re now spending less money, you’re still fighting over money. And you’re still worried about not having enough.
You may believe that the root of your money problems is the fact that your partner simply isn’t taking your money problems seriously. In your estimation, he or she isn’t able to think forward enough to the future to see what can happen if things don’t change. Your partner is simply unable to see the horrible scenarios you see when it comes to your finances.
So you threaten with ultimatums. You’ll go out and get another job. You’ll get your own checking account, or ask a relative for a loan. You may even threaten to leave if things don’t improve.
Threats don’t work and they make things worse because threats put your partner on the defensive, and again, your partner doesn’t believe that what they’re doing is wrong or misguided in the first place.
Threats can also backfire. If you do end up doing something desperate in order to make a point (like borrowing more money or leaving the relationship), you can be setting yourself up for an even bigger financial ruin.
Most people are unaware of the impact that these three mistakes have on their finances or relationships. They’re so focused on numbers and on blame, that they aren’t even considering that there may be other, underlying reasons for all the disharmony.
That’s why the key to ending money conflicts is to get to the bottom of what’s really keeping you from experiencing abundance and flow in your relationship, so you can stop wasting your energy on fixes that only get you deeper in trouble.
When we first were married, we didn’t have very much money and argued about that fact quite a bit. We even made the same mistakes most people make trying to resolve our conflicts.
We thought we were disagreeing about numbers, or about how much money we really needed to be “secure” in our future.
I was the “tightwad” who didn’t want to spend too much, and Katie was often stressed out and embittered about money because of her past entanglements.
It wasn’t until we uncovered the truth behind why we were fighting that we were able to make the shift from being adversaries to allies with our finances. We stopped wasting precious time and energy trying to crunch numbers or convince one another about the brilliance of our logic and instead focused our energy into developing a strong and creative partnership around finances.
We’ve since manifested abundance for ourselves and we’ve never squabbled about money again.
In our program, Dissolving Money Conflict, you’re going to learn the EXACT reasons why you and your partner keep squabbling over the bank account. Once you understand those reasons, you’ll learn the same powerful, transformative strategies we’ve taught to hundreds of couples that will finally bring peace and respect to your relationship.
We’ll show you how to move from bickering to collaborating on your finances.
You’ll learn how to dissolve the need to control that is so toxic to your relationship, while also creating more harmony with how money is handled in your relationship.
You’ll gain an appreciation of your partner’s money style and values and enjoy their appreciation of yours. (All without compromising who you are and your dreams for your future.)
Once you stop blaming, end the debates on who is right or wrong, and see your partner’s attitude toward money as asset instead of a liability, you’ll finally feel like true partners with regard to your finances. You’ll then be able to manage your money with freedom and choice, not from shame and frustration.
You’ll also get our best strategies for attracting more abundance and reframing adversity into opportunity, so you can actually start to turn things around right away, no matter how dire your situation may seem now.
Finally, you’ll get powerful tools to release feelings of resentment and anger so you can feel more relaxed and in the flow with your partner. We’ll show you how to clean up your unfinished business around money so you can move forward without the energy-draining burden of the past.
Plus – When you purchase our Dissolving Money Conflict you’ll receive our expert love advice newsletter. Each message is full of our most important skills, practices & discoveries to provide you with ongoing support and inspiration.
If you were one of our clients, the tools and training in this program would cost you thousands of dollars. We know this isn’t realistic for most couples, especially if you’re already squabbling over your budget, and that’s why we created a program that gives all the benefits of our in-person trainings, but costs much less.
For 3 low payments of $45.95 you’ll get all you need to transform your relationship:
Because we know the powerful impact this program will have on your relationship, we don’t want you to have any reason not to try it. If you aren’t completely satisfied once you try out this program, you can return it hassle-free within the first 7 days. We’ll refund every penny, no questions asked.
You’ll be able to access the program within minutes of purchasing.
7 full days of unlimited access to listen to the program, try the tools & see the results.
Not 100% thrilled? Let us know and we’ll give you a full refund.
Since we learned what we teach in this program, Katie and I haven’t had a fight or even a mild disagreement about money in more than 20 years. Now, that might be hard to believe but it’s absolutely true.
Money problems don’t have to ruin your relationship. They don’t have to put distance between you or cause stress and tension.
You can end the fighting, get in alignment about your finances and enjoy true partnership and a common vision for your future, no matter how much or how little money you have now.
You don’t have to be chronically broke and miserable, either! You can have abundance and feel closer than ever with your partner. Both are possible, and we can show you how.
We’ve shown hundreds of couples how to use these same techniques to eliminate money struggles from their relationship.
As long as you’re willing and committed to change, we know you can enjoy money harmony, too.
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